Jeff's Journal

Shoe's on the Other Foot

It has been a shift in roles to be sick. I have never been a sick person. Boy, has that changed. In my usual role, I am accustomed to being the one who stands at the foot of the bed and greets the sick one in clinics and hospital beds rather than being the one on this side of the conversation. I prefer the former role.

This experience has been a type of initiation. I am learning to unlearn some of my former behaviors. There are some phrases I’ll never utter again to someone who is sick. I’ll always be conscious of the perimeter of a patient’s bed. I’ll do my best to be a non-anxious presence.

I am accepting the gifts that come my way. They show up as friends driving me to the clinic, meals delivered and conversations. It has been a great lift for friends to drive me to the clinic and then at the conclusion of the treatments to collect my stumbling carcass and haul me home. It has also been a humbling experience to have people offer to donate a kidney to me. If I think about how it sounds from the outside, it is odd to talk with folks about actually cutting a viable organ out of their body and then surgically implanting it in to me. When people offer to donate, that is a gift, too. I tell them how much I appreciate it, but I don’t know that they fully comprehend. The experience and gift of community has been overwhelming and a steady hand in this turmoil.

Another new footing is dealing with waiting. This is probably the first time circumstances are totally out of my control. I am accustomed to shaping things. I mean, I’m even getting a degree in that discipline! I’ll confess, if I think about what has happened and the natural scenarios and outcomes too much, I freak out. (Fortunately, those episodes have been infrequent and alone because I know how anxiety can create an epidemic.) For the most part, I don’t get rattled about anything and especially I don’t get rattled to the core and freak out, but this has brought me to new territory. This new territory brings plenty of encounters to be tested and see what you are made of and if what you believe is really what you believe.

It has also been a time to experience an ongoing sense of God’s presence in a new way. To be dependent upon a machine for life is a circumstance I’ve never experienced before. People are praying. This is a needy time in my life and a time to lean into that peace that goes beyond understanding. That peace is giving me a steady platform.

posted by Jeff Waldo @ 5:58 PM