Jeff's Journal

A Long Quiet Drive to the Medical Center

We got the word yesterday that the transplant was canceled. However, we were not given a reason as to why the decision was made. I know I talked with the nurse, but I was in the post-dialysis haze, so I am not sure what exactly happened. It was a night of speculation.

Dan picked me up about 9:30 this morning and we journeyed down to the Medical Center. All I could muster through the muffle of my little mask was to say a bunch of “Thank you” and “I appreciate all you’ve done” statements and all he could say was, “I’m sorry.” Disappointment is one of the thickest moods, especially when shared in the front seat. Neither of us was really in a mood for conversation. The thought of all the work for many weeks to be snatched away within the final minutes coupled with ponderings about a potential problem with the donor does not make for great conversation anyway. It was a long quiet journey to the medical center.

The coordinator told me I did not have to wear the mask, so I gratefully took the thing off and we waited together for the transplant surgeon. The news we got was that if Dan donated, it would leave him in a compromised position. There are some follow-up things he needs to do, too, but the bottom line was if he proceeded, there were concerns about him living with one kidney. Hearing that statement helped to dissipate the disappointment as I do not wish kidney trouble on anyone, especially good friends. And it was a good catch. It was one of my requirements that no friends who offer to donate take unnecessary risks for this event or the future.

We drove back, but I was not a great conversationalist. There was relief in the driver’s seat, but in the passenger seat I began to think through that the catheter is now no longer a temporary thing. For all this time, I’d thought dialysis was a short parenthetical experience in my life. Perhaps that thought was more denial. We are at least six weeks away from another potential donor finishing the process and what happens if the next one does not work out? It may be time for the next surgery to allow a fistula to mature or time to consider PD. The coordinator told me I’d be put on “the list” today and for me to receive a transplant without a live donor would likely take up to two years. I know I cannot have this tesio catheter, as great as it is, for two years. New decisions are needed in the near future.

posted by Jeff Waldo @ 5:40 PM