Jeff's Journal

The Leases on Life

I made plans today. I sent an email to my staff stating I had swallowed the first big handful of immune suppressant drugs that will be my friends for the rest of my life in anticipation of a transplant on June 7, 2005. Yes, that would be Tuesday. Yes, that is a mere five days from now.

I told them how I was waiting to hear from the medical review board about a thumbs up or down on the transplant, but the board was optimistic and all looked good enough to start killing off my immune system. Therefore, the doctors got the prescriptions filled and I ate the handful of pills to get ready for the plans for next week.

I explained how with a compromised immune system I would have some electronic communication, but no face-to-face communication, or, as I’ll see it, your-germs-to-my-lack-of-ability-to-fight-off-your-germs communication. And to not expect any communication next week as I would be too busy hitting the morphine pump to tap out emails or phone numbers.

I “outted” the donor. Told people to send him big expensive gifts or maybe flowers in the hospital since I could not have them in my room. I told ‘em how I’m not sure a week’s stay at Memorial Hermann is such a grand prize for him, but for me it is Ed-McMahon-clearing-house-mega-lotto-power-ball winning. How this act from this friend is the most gracious and generous altruistic act I have ever experienced. I recapped how this guy endured almost six weeks of sometimes-grueling medical tests as well as early morning drives down to the medical center in order to give up a vital and viable organ to me.

Then… 5:00 pm today.

I heard from the transplant coordinator. The medical review board deliberated my case this afternoon and has made a decision. They have determined that my donor is not a good match. They have canceled the transplant. Donor-wise we are back to square one, donor #2.

Now, I am all drugged up and no place to go, literally. I was told the immune suppressant drugs take three days to metabolize. I’ll check with the doctors tomorrow to see how long I am quarantined, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be back in the office, not the hospital prep, on Monday. I did dialysis today and I’m still in the post-dialysis haze, so I have not had time to really process this news. Of course, there’s disappointment, but it is part of the deal and to be expected. Nevertheless, it still hurts. It’s not that gapping wound kind of hurt, but more of a sizzle-simmer-will-this-go-away kind of hurt. There’s no physical mess to clean up, but the emotional wading is deep.

My friend is pretty upset. In my hazy thinking, I am wondering now if it is worthwhile to drag another friend through this. I feel very loved that a good friend would be willing to endure all this stuff for me. This act was giving me a new lease on life. However, for some reason, I’m still bound to the old lease for the moment.

posted by Jeff Waldo @ 3:56 PM