Jeff's Journal

Waiting

Another day and I have been spared the 4.5 hour ritual. I’m not sure what that means. Labs were done last week, but I have not seen the results. I will confess. I did better on the diet knowing labs were going to be done.

There are a couple of things about my life good friends know. One, I am not a morning person. I willingly get up early once a year for Easter, but the other early morning meetings are under duress. (Now you know what a commitment it was for me to be part of the Bay Area Men’s Fraternity.)

Two, I am an avowed chocoholic. Bluebell Dutch Chocolate is a gift from God. However, with this disease chocolate is a no-no and on the do not eat list. Chocolate ice cream has a couple of problems for folks like me. Dairy products raise the level of calcium and phosphorus and chocolate raises the level of potassium and phosphorus. Too much calcium and the veins and organs begin to store it. Calcification of organs and veins is not a good thing. The phosphorus causes other problems and dialysis does not pull phosphorus as well. The symptoms are red eyes. I look like I am in spring time all the time. A “fix” for the phosphorus is to take a binder. The binders are calcium, but you cannot take too many because of the issues previously mentioned.

Then there is the potassium. Too much potassium and the heart has problems. Problems like not beating. I have always joked I wanted to go with chocolate on my breath. Little did I know that could be a reality.

Anyway, back to the confession. Clearance is the formula Kt/V. V is constant and t (time) is the variable. So when K is not sufficient the time is increased. But another variable is diet. It could be that small amount of chocolate ice cream I was eating every night could have lingered in the blood causing a residual and poor clearance. I’m back on the wagon, but if you catch me at the ice cream area of the store or starring down a bag of snickers after a long day, just know those items are no longer comfort foods for me like they have been in previous days, BD (before dialysis). They could be the door way to the great beyond.

A couple of the techs pulled their stools up next to me today and we just talked for a while. These guys were just asking questions and talking about life. For some reason there are several younger guys in their mid-20’s coming into my life. I think a new season is about to come forth.

Since I don’t get stuck, I asked one of the techs to bring me one of the needles that are used on the graft and fistula patients. The needle is huge. It is a 17 gauge needle. You could drive a truck through the thing. Well, maybe not a truck, but looking at it up close helped me understand why these guys have to hold before they clot.

When the transplant comes about, I plan to take this needle and frame it with the phrase “Take Your Meds.” It will be a reminder (a stern, German kind of reminder) to be diligent in taking the meds. I think it could become easy to put this chapter of my life behind me and purge it from the hard drive. I really want to, trust me this has not been all rosy, but in spite of it there are some lessons to remember. I don’t have them all, but there are some things that would be easy to forget, some of the things that have become common and accepted in the ritual, things that could fall to the background that are important to remember as they have shaped me in these weeks.

I’ve thought of these weeks as “waiting” for the transplant rather than “being” weeks of treatment. As the days of waiting have become weeks and now months, it is difficult to think of it as waiting any more.

Donor #9 went for more tests today. Results will be in next week and pending these results we will know if more tests are to be done. There are two of us waiting and being in the moment.

posted by Jeff Waldo @ 10:09 PM